Friday, April 1, 2011

The Top 5 Lamest Finishers in Wrestling History

A devastating and well thought out finishing maneuver can mean great spots, great moments in matches and also become synonymous with their innovator. However, not all finishing moves are created equal.

Number 5: JBL’s Clothesline

    You know what makes JBL’s finishing clothesline different from every other clothesline? NOTHING! He just throws his arm out and mows down the poor bastard in front of him. Big deal. They learn that on Day One of Tough Enough for Christ’s sake. To sum up this lame move, I must quote a wise and enraged fan, “IT’S A FUCKING CLOTHESLINE!”

Number 4: Meng’s Tongan Death Grip

    In WCW, Meng (Better known to WWF fans as Haku) used to have a finisher where he would use his index and middle finger and jam them forcefully under the chin of the unfortunate victim and...that’s it. It was billed as a nerve hold on a pressure point or some nonsense. I’ll tell you what it really was: LAME. The victim should just grab Meng’s wrist and take his hand away from his chin. What should he do to capitalize? Maybe JBL’s clothesline. Or not. Moving on.

Number 3: Crush’s Heart Punch

    Imagine having your left arm held behind your head and then being punched in your chest. It would hurt a little right? Well, that minor discomfort is what Crush (dead) counted on as a finishing move. He just hauled off and popped you in the left side of your sternum. Come on! Really? You’d do more damage if you punched him in the face. Sometimes Crush would even let go of the arm behind the head and expect them to just keep it there. Oh, also an interesting note: Right arm? TOTALLY FREE! Cover your chest you stupid asshole! Idiocy on both sides of this stupid move.

Number 2: Jake “The Snake” Roberts’ DDT

    Jake “The Snake” Roberts is credited with the popularization of the DDT. Much of what applies to JBL’s clothesline applies to Jake’s DDT. It’s a regular DDT! It happens in every match! The Rock used to swing around his opponent’s body before grabbing his head and dropping his noggin into the mat. I guess the power of Jake’s DDT lay within that stupid swing of his arm before he drops his opponent. But that just may be the booze. NEXT!

Number 1: Hulk Hogan’s Atomic Leg Drop

    Last but not least, we have the finisher of the most popular and well known superstar in wrestling history. Hogan’s leg drop is probably the most memorable spot in wrestling. Irish whip, big boot, hit the ropes, leg drop, 3 count, WWF/WCW championship. But there’s just one problem. It’s only a fucking leg drop. Every wrestler does it. The Undertaker uses the leg drop and jumps about 6 feet in the air before landing. Hell, Yokozuna (dead) employed a leg drop and one of his legs weighed about as much as a Volkswagon and wrestlers still kicked out. But there is one thing that I’m forgetting. Hogan’s leg drop was an ATOMIC leg drop. That makes all the difference.

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